In their book "Love & War: Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed Of," John and Stasi Eldredge do a magnificent job of laying out the spiritual connections of marriage. In chapter six, they discuss agreements we make with ourselves and how this is nothing but the work of Satan wanting to destroy our marriages. He is the father of lies, and we often believe them. With these agreements in place, your marriage will never be what it truly can and should be.

These agreements are attempts at maintaining our marital relationship in its current state with no desire to improve. If any of these sentiments remain unchecked, divorce can be close, and if not divorce, an unsatisfying relationship will continue. Satan came in between one of the world's most famous couples, Adam and Eve. They blamed one another for their situation at the tree when Satan lied to them.

Some examples of these agreements are:

• It's just not going to get any better.
• Don't rock the boat; settle for what you've got.
• It's not worth the effort; don't give it one more try.
• Never let anyone hurt you again.
• I'm just not going to trust him/her anymore.
• You do your thing, and I'll do mine.
• I shouldn't have married him/her.
• I'd be happier with someone else.

If you watch political shows, you'll notice that however is speaking will put their own "spin" on the situation. Conservatives say that President Obama is spending us into oblivion, while more liberal shows would say that Obama is changing us for the better. Whichever way you lean will determine who you believe. The same can happen in your marriage when a simple event turns into a reason to be upset with your spouse.

You're in a hurry, and she wants to talk about something important. "Why does she always do this?" is what you say to yourself as you rush out the door. Then, on your way to work, the irritation festers and, in a sick way, you enjoy it. Sort of like picking a scab. You know it's bad, but you do it anyway. You think to yourself, "I hate it when she does that. She's such a nag. It will never change." Eldredge and Eldredge say, "Irritation becomes cynicism; cynicism becomes resignation." Turning a simple conversation into something darker damages your marriage all because you agree to do so.

Whatever happened to considering our spouse's heart and his or her needs? Instead of moments of connection, important moments turn into mine fields; reason to feel contempt rather than love. We must stop making these negative agreements and start considering those things that strengthen our marriage. If you are in a negative pattern, get out of it and work to build your bond rather than agreeing with yourself to tear it down.

by DALE SADLER

Dale Sadler is a counselor with offices in White House and Red Boiling Springs. Visit www.DaleSadler.net for more information. You can also subscribe to his blog at www.insearchformore.com and receive more articles on marriage, family, parenting, and men's issues.